View Full Version : Quotidian Cosmos: a Journal by OutlawBard19

16th October 2017, 04:44 AM
Salvete, amici! I have decided to take up an online journal, a recount of my quotidian dealings as well as musings of a grander nature about life, the universe and everything. Before I do begin this, however, I should like to offer up a brief history of myself to lend more insight as to my life and opinions.

I was born on the 26th of September, 1998, in a small town in Illinois. I have lived the whole of my life in the Midwest, in small towns throughout central Illinois and Indiana. My father was a minister, and my mother stayed at home. A pretty typical traditional family layout, right? Well, my father and mother divorced in spring of 2005. Turns out my father was an abusive, manipulative man, though I wouldn't realize this till I was much older. After a series of protraced, back-and-forth custody battles, my little sisters and I ultimately ended up living with my father and our new stepmother (he ended up winning the custody rights.) We moved around central Illinois for years, finally moving to Indiana and settling down in my father's hometown. After a few years, he began cheating on his second wife, and ended up physically assaulting her, after which I voluntarily cut all ties with him and began living with my grandmother, an arrangement which has lasted from 2013 until the present day.

Enough depressing backstory, though. Let's talk about where I am currently. I am currently a first-year college student, and I am planning to major in Classical Studies (Ancient Greece and Rome, etc.) I have been watching anime on my own since 2014. I didn't watch much TV as a kid, to be frank. I mostly read books (which I still do.) My favorite authors include Oscar Wilde, Isaac Asimov, Arthur C. Clarke, Haruki Murakami, and Yasunari Kawabata; my favorite poets include Alfred, Lord Tennyson, T.S. Eliot, and John Keats. Some of my favorite anime include Gravitation, Space Dandy, Gurren Lagann, and (of course) Outlaw Star. An interesting hobby of mine is studying languages. I took four years of French in high school, and taught myself some German, Spanish, Italian, and I'm currently working on Japanese while also taking a Latin class. I also happen to collect typewriters as a hobby (I'm a fan of all things retro), and I write poetry and short stories. I'm looking to self-publish by the end of this year.

I'll do my best to keep this journal updated daily, but right now I need to get some sleep. Have a good night, dear readers, and like I always say, never lose hope, and never stop dreaming. ;)

16th October 2017, 11:05 PM
Ooh, a new journal! :D You're almost exactly a decade younger than me. (My birthday's October the 7th, 1988.) That's a pretty rough upbringing. Sorry to hear about that. I can't say I understand the divorcing, but I know what it's like to grow up with an abusive father. Classical Studies, eh? It sounds a bit broad, but I'm guessing you'll study literature, music, mythology, etc.?

Glad to see another Gurren Lagann fan! :kamina: I'm jealous of your language abilities. How are you learning Japanese? Do you visit teachers or are you just using materials? I ask because I took a beginner's class at college in 2005 but I've forgotten almost all of it, spare the most basic phrases and some hiragana/katakana. Rather than anime or video games I'm more interested in Japanese for business reasons and I'm considering hiring an online teacher. Plus, it's easier to learn (for me at least) than a tonal language like Mandarin. I tried that and failed hard as I have a lazy tongue...

If you want, feel free to share your short stories at Starwind & Hawking Enterprises.

17th October 2017, 07:18 AM
I'm learning Japanese via Duolingo, but I also have two dictionaries, a textbook, a workbook, and some audio CDs. But I mostly use Duolingo since it's most convenient. It's got an iOS app, Android app, and can be used on desktop. It's free, too. I really, really suggest it if you want to learn a language.

Anyway, here goes nothing:

It's early in the morning of October 17th. The 16th went fairly smoothly. One of my classes let out much earlier than usual, so I got to take care of a few errands before my next class. I have Introduction to Classical Latin at 8 a.m.; Argument and Persuasion in Antiquity at 9:20; The Writing of History at 10:40; and Fundamentals of Computer Science at 12:00. I am, however, considering dropping my Computer Science class. I tried my hardest to understand the material, but I'm not good with math by any means, and our material involved more mathematical equations than I had prepared for. I pretty much failed the midterm exam, and my professor and I think it best that I withdraw so as to not have a blot on my record this early in college. As far as I know, I'm doing better in the other classes, which is good.

I have joined some organizations since I moved in. I'm currently a part of Anime Club, German Club, Tabletop Club, and Concert Band (continuing my clarinet playing.) I'm thinking of creating an organization myself. An association for classical liberals/libertarians who want to discuss issues and ideas in a civil, dignified way without any name-calling or threats of violence. It's something I care very much about, and I hope I can get the Libertas Club off the ground within the week.

I have also begun assembling a collection of poems for self-publication. My end goal is to be self-published by the 31st of December. Once I have the final collection together, I'll provide a link to wherever I am selling it in case any of you would be interested. I will also be posting some of my work in Starwind and Hawking Enterprises for critique and feedback.

As far as my general mood goes, I've been feeling rather depressed. Melancholia is very typical for me, since I am prone to depressive episodes, and until I moved in I was taking counselling this past summer. I imagine it stems mostly from my lack of companionship. Simply put, I'm desperate for a boyfriend. I'm a bisexual, but I can't form a romantic relationship with a woman. I'm attracted to them sexually, but not romantically. In fact, a lot of females and female habits tend to repulse me. Men, on the other hand, I'm very much romantically attracted to as well as sexually. The problem, however, is that there aren't any cute single bi guys on campus (that I know of.) I dream of the day when a tall, sleek, well-read prince will take me in his arms and we'll fly off to a happy-ever-after together. Alas, I must maintain diligence in searching for a lover.

It's getting quite late (or quite early in the morning) and I must be getting to bed if I want to wake up and get some breakfast. I bid you all goodnight. I'll be sure to post some more tomorrow.

Yours cruising the galaxy,

(P.S. I hope these posts aren't too long. I don't want to seem overly wordy or verbose. --OB19)

20th October 2017, 05:00 AM

Not much occurred today. I should probably go out and do more things with more people. But my introverted side always wins out in the end.

I'm so ready for Fall Break starting tomorrow. I'll be able to replace my phone (I hope.) I'll make a more detailed entry tomorrow.

Yours, cruising the galaxy,

20th October 2017, 10:30 PM
I had to download a slightly older version of Duolingo on my iPhone since the newest version required an OS upgrade. Japanese isn't there but many other languages are. Hmm.

Don't worry about long posts. It is a journal after all. Computer science certainly isn't for everybody, and if you're considering dropping it you should consider your mind made if you're not sure you'd enjoy it as a future career. You should switch to something more relevant to you. That's my two pennies' worth anyway. It's good to hear you're settling in fine. Good luck with your society and I look forward to seeing your work at Starwind & Hawking. :) Self-publication, huh? Are you going down the Amazon route?

Regarding your present situation, perhaps you could see how student life goes for the next few weeks? Sometimes a romantic relationship isn't needed if you have some good friends. Maybe you'll discover dating material on campus with time. If you're really sure about that, perhaps consider finding someone local online?

24th October 2017, 05:38 AM

So far my Fall Break has been absolutely bollocks. I've been stranded at my dad's house since nobody else could pick me up from college, and my mom couldn't pay her damn phone bill so my phone is now kaput. I'm irritated at both of them for these major inconveniences, and I am resolved to plan out my Thanksgiving Break in advance so this sort of thing doesn't happen in November.

However, I am going phone shopping later. Heading to Best Buy to get a phone and a plan, which I will start paying for myself. I don't want to be on my mom's phone plan if she can't continue paying the bills. I'll also have to get a job to pay for this, so I'll be looking into that as well.

Hopefully my trip to Best Buy goes as planned and I'll have gotten some good out of this disappointing Fall Break.

Yours, stuck with a stepfamily,

2nd November 2017, 06:30 PM
It's been a while since I posted my last entry. I've been bogged down with classwork.

It's always been difficult for me to divide my time into sections, and I always feel like I'm slipping out of control. Which is how I feel right now. So much class stuff to finish, scheduling, making sure I don't disappoint my family with my grades, and so on. I feel so much pressure, and it's getting unbearable.

I am glad I have people online to talk to, though. I'll post some more poems and maybe a story in Starwind and Hawking later this evening.

Yours, cruising the galaxy,

12th November 2017, 08:40 AM

It's finally starting to get colder. By Thanksgiving week we're supposed to get some snowstorms here in the Midwest, and I can't wait. I love winter weather and I love snow. Playing in it, feeling it fall on my tongue, watching it drift down through the atmosphere--everything about it is lovely.

I'm working on a novel for National Novel Writing Month. It's a Boys Love/yaoi story, and I hope to have 50,000 words or thereabouts completed by the time the 30th rolls around. I'll post the drafts of the first few chapters in Starwind and Hawking Enterprises later on.

I'm thinking of starting up an RP on this site as well. Maybe something OLS-related, maybe something original, who knows? If anyone wants to help me draft it, I'd be more than happy.

Yours, cruising the galaxy,

19th November 2017, 07:11 AM

Just a few more days left till I can go home for Thanksgiving break. I'll be very glad to get some good food in my stomach and spend time with my grandmother, mom, and siblings. Even though we disagree on a variety of things, I still am glad to see them.

I sent my mom a Christmas wish list this week. I asked for a gaming laptop, so that I could actually get more into playing video games (my Chromebook won't run anything because it's rubbish.) I hope I get it, even though they tend to cost a lot.

I'll go ahead and post the first few chapters of my yaoi novel in Starwind and Hawking. It's still in a draft stage, so don't expect anything great.

I'm still open for starting up an RP. Send me a message if you're interested.

Yours, cruising the galaxy,

28th November 2017, 05:29 AM

Thanksgiving was ok. Got a haircut, finished a paper, and I'm working on a speech for my Argument and Persuasion in Antiquity class.

I launched a Patreon page to fund my writing career. I'm posting poetry mostly, but I also have a novel in the works, the first few chapters of which I have posted over in Starwind and Hawking.

Still interested in doing an Outlaw Star RP. I'll probably brainstorm some ideas tomorrow.

Yours, cruising the galaxy,

3rd December 2017, 07:20 AM
Less than fifteen days till semester's over and less than twenty-five till Christmas! I'm eagerly counting down the days till I can go home! I hope you're all preparing for Christmas, too. :aishagrin:

14th December 2017, 03:02 AM
Just one more day, and one more exam, and then I'm free for the next three and a half weeks. I'm so excited. I just hope I do well on this Latin exam.

18th December 2017, 06:37 AM

So far Christmas vacation has been relaxing. I've set up my own tree, finished all my schoolwork, and I feel at peace. I'm hoping to get some work done on my novel, and get some reading done. I'll also re-watch all of Outlaw Star and a few other shows.

I'm also thinking of putting a booklet of haiku and other short poems together. It'll be a short collection, and I'll have it up for sale for anywhere between $4.99 and $6.99. Still working on a title, however.

18th December 2017, 09:26 AM
Y'know, one of us should create a tree photo thread or something. I just need to take a photo of my mother's since my apartment isn't very festive. It's good to see you can enjoy some time off. Other '90s shows, perchance?

Best of luck with the booklet. There's some fierce competition lately, especially for e-books.

22nd December 2017, 05:38 AM

I slept in wicked late, later than I had intended, but besides that my day was calm and placid. It's early in the morning of the 22nd, the first day of winter. I'm waiting for the rest of my family to show up over the weekend. I'm going to introduce my family to D&D, and see if they enjoy it.

I'm also trying to get more reading and writing done. I'll share more of what I have written in Starwind and Hawking. But for now, goodnight.

Yours, cruising the galaxy,

26th December 2017, 03:58 AM

Before these last few moments of Christmas are caught and destroyed in Time's Stygian effluvium, let me say once again Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas!

10th February 2018, 07:24 PM
A whole month has passed since I came back to college, and I'm back in the swing of things. I've been feeling a little under the weather the past few days; and to make matters worse, my laptop charger has stopped working, so I am without a computer (typing this on a school computer.) On the bright side, however, I was paid for the hours I put in at the start of my part-time job. I hope to save up more money and start paying for my own phone plan.

Hopefully, I can also get a new charger for my laptop within the next week, and I'll start feeling better as the weekend goes by.

Yours, cruising the galaxy,

16th March 2018, 02:54 AM
hopefully you've gotten that new charger :)

22nd March 2018, 05:25 AM

The first day of spring went well. It snowed a lot, and that's something rare in the Midwest (though not unexpected or unanticipated.)

I need to post regularly here. I've been working harder now that I've started to sort my life out. I realized that I haven't been living how I want to live, and I have resolved to improve myself in order to live how I want. I've been reading up on philosophy, too, as a means of sorting out and cementing my own principles.

I'll try to post more frequently on this place. Maybe a daily entry, though that might get really mundane since I don't do much beyond attend classes.


20th August 2018, 05:58 AM

It's been a while since I posted in here. In brief, my last semester of school was ok, and I have spent the summer working as a janitor part-time and helping my mom move into a new residence. Her new house is small, but so much bigger than her old rat-trap apartment.

I'm working on a short story which I call "an experiment in Lovecraftian horror in space." Kind of a cross between cosmic horror and science fiction.

I've also decided to take my life in a new direction. While this summer wasn't terrible, there were a lot of things I could have done better, and there were things I could have done but I didn't due ultimately to being lazy and selfish. I wish I had done more, like pick up a second job and made more money, but that's all behind me now. I plan on doing the best I possibly can at school, and I also plan on getting my driver's license before the end of the year, so I can finally start driving myself around and having to rely less on others.

My biggest goal, though, is to find a boyfriend. I'm still kind of in the closet about my bisexuality, and I am wanting to find a cute, intelligent guy whom I can hang out with and have tender, loving time with too. A big part of why I'm a loner is that I didn't have many friends as a kid, and didn't really know how to make friends. I mostly stayed by myself, reading books.

But as the oft-quoted Bible verse says, a man must put away childish things. So it is with me. I will do my best to better myself and succeed at school. I hope you'll all wish me luck in my endeavors!

Yours, surveying the endless possibilities of a boy becoming a man,

2nd September 2018, 05:19 AM

I'm back at school. Moved into my dorm room today, and I've gotten everything mostly set up. My clothes, snacks, tea things, etc.

I'm really looking forward to having a good school year, and doing better than I was before. I plan on declaring my major this semester or next, and it'll probably be a combination of Classical and East Asian studies, which are two fields I've always been in love with. I plan on studying the humanities; in particular, to become a teacher myself, as well as a self-published writer.

It happens that I'm the only one in my Intermediate Latin class this year, so I'm looking very forward to that.

I'm working on polishing and perfecting my fiction as well. Maybe this year will be the year I finally complete a story and submit it for publication, and it actually gets published! Here's hoping, anyway.

Yours, click-clacking away on his typewriter,

4th September 2018, 12:56 PM
I'm lurking...keep going :aishalaugh: :aishalaugh: I like to read these journals on my lunch breaks at work, as creepy as that may be.

.....I ought to write one too.

30th September 2018, 06:20 AM

I notice that I keep posting these journal entries in the wee hours of the morning. Maybe I should start night-blogging on a regular basis from now on.

I've been at school since the beginning of September. So far things have been pretty mediocre, pretty meh. I've started slipping up a bit in my classes, mainly because I'm so focused on two of my courses that I forget my other one. I am also busy rehearsing for a play to be produced in late October.

This past week has been a rough one for me, because I've suddenly felt depressed for no discernible reason. I was hoping to be happy, since I turned 20 this past Wednesday, but so far nothing has come of it. I still feel depressed. It feels like there is very little for me right now. I don't want to talk to my family, since they seem to be a part of the problem, mostly by pushing me into molds that I don't want to be enshrouded in, and pushing me towards things I don't want to do. My mom has been especially guilty of this. I think she is trying to make up for all the time she wasn't there for me and my siblings, but it's futile at this point. I'm not her kid anymore; I am a man. I have to start behaving like a man, like a 20 year-old.

My point here is that I'm at a junction and I'm unsure which path to take. But I am grateful that I have friends, here and in other places online, who can listen and understand what I'm going through, and sympathize with me. I thank you guys for listening so far. You're all great and fantastic friends, and I am really looking forward to having more great interactions with you all on this site.

Yours, gazing wistfully upwards,

5th November 2018, 05:16 AM

A whole month has gone by since I made an update in here. I've been preoccupied with performance in a play (which, thankfully is over) that consumed far too much of my time. I let my grades slip far too low, and I'm hoping to get them back up before the semester ends. I've also been feeling ill, and my melancholy feelings haven't let up any. I don't know what the future will be like in the foggiest. I am utterly consumed by fear of failure. I don't know what I should do besides work towards getting my grades up any way I can.

All in all, I hope I can get things up to code by the end of the semester in December.

Yours, making a slow ascent,