View Full Version : Raichu Thoughts

9th February 2011, 12:02 AM

Hello there, and welcome into my Poké Ball! I am Diz, and it is nice to meet you! Now, I have never before made any journals or anything similar to them, so this would be a good time to start. I just registered here last night, and thus very few of you have seen me browse these forums, so here is a journal to hopefully give those interested a chance at getting to know me better!

In here you will probably find stuff about how I am feeling and what is going on in my life. :love: I shall try to make an easy and brief start though, it being my first time and all. No worries, I would not know much to include here yet anyway. Hey, you tell me! Hah.

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I will try to give this good start a go. Up to this point, I have been a student all my life. Never had any jobs before at all. One and a half year ago, I attended a course which was called Network Administration, and for the first time ever during school, I was actually interested and really enjoyed what I was doing. It was all about Microsoft solutions, their operating systems and networking. A lot of troubleshooting too, loving it. The course ended two months ago, and thus it is time to apply for a job. That was not as easy as I hoped, though.
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Over to more grim news of my life, though I shall keep it brief. I have never met my real parents and have always lived with my grandparents. A little over a year ago, my grandfather nearly died a few times at the hospital due to serious bowel cancer. Luckily he survived, despite *ahem* quite a scar, to put it mildly.

Shortly after, my grandmother had several strokes one night and was transported to the hospital. It did not take long for her to be transported to a nursing home on the other end of town, despite there being one ten seconds away right across the street. She is completely paralyzed on one side, can barely even answer yes/no questions and it seems she probably does not even remember who I am. Doctors have said that the damage that has been done is so severe that it can never be healed. My grandfather has been with her for over fifty years, so he had to be with her almost all day every day, having to drive back and forth like that.

Now though, some days ago, she was transported to the nursing home across the street, so he can just walk back and forth instead, that would be very good news. He also has let random rage just out at me more than ever, I cannot even say anything to him for conversation purposes without him becoming pissed at me. I try to understand because he certainly is not having an easy time right now, but sometimes it is still hard for me to not be hurt by it. Starting yesterday though, suddenly it feels as if things changed, and he seems much more happy and actually not being pissed at me all the time.
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I know that I really have a very good life and that I sometimes am not as grateful as I should be for it, or not realizing it. Perhaps it is just Winter depression kicking in on me. I have been feeling extraordinary loneliness, stress, that I cannot get anything to work, all this stuff with my grandparents and then comes those moments when I realize I really have to do something about my self-esteem and the way I acknowledge messages:

I am way too sensitive about everything, especially online, I feel at certain times, like just a day or two ago. I am so easily hurt. I do not know whether or not it is because I have been bottling up emotions and depression a little bit, but it could make sense because I usually do not get that bad. I had a really horrible day quite recently, so I went on Left 4 Dead 2 to try and take my mind off all the recent things in my mind. That day I played it for extraordinary long because I could not seem to find a good server to play on. It felt like I was votekicked off the server every single match, yet I did not feel I was doing that bad. Someone almost flamed me and said I was useless and should just kill the character I was playing as "it was obvious to everyone I could not play". The last one votekicked me and said on the microphone that I was an "idiot for not being able to kill anyone", and then he left.

I vented about this to one on my friend's list right after it happening and I even cried a little because I just couldn't take any more harsh comments after all I had received that day, and then he said that the one nearly flaming me was another of my friends I sometimes play with under a different nick. Then I just couldn't take it anymore and said he was an arrogant bastard I had expected more of and that I did not want to play with him anymore that day, and he said he did not want to play with me either. I barely could sleep that night.

It was not my intention to solely bring up an online gaming story just like that. This is the first time I have acted like this due to an online game as far as I can remember, but I have felt a little similar a lot of times for things which afterward seem so minor. Jeeze, often in those situations I look back just five minutes and wished I would just have left it at that and not made a bigger deal out of it. There were an internal discussion and fight between my other friends due to it, and that made me feel even much worse. I just have a problem that I get hurt so easily sometimes, and I hate myself for it. I have gotten a little better nowadays, but apparently it still exists within me to some degree. It seems only temporary each time though, for instance right now I could not care less if someone online wants me to feel bad if it happened two days ago, so might just as well be me having felt bad over time and bottling up or so.
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I apologize muchly for so much negativity, and even so silly. Here is something much more light-hearted and yellow, as it is not all just whine and hurt when it comes to me, I pwomise! I love playing games and ie. showing friends how things work and help out. For instance, on Left 4 Dead 2, despite being capable of playing on Advanced and Expert, I love joining a game online on Easy just to be able to help others out, because as long as others are having fun, I feel happy! To be able to spread joy and knowing that others are laughing and having a good time, the fact that you know you made a difference so that others had a very fun experience, I could never have a better time in a game than that. I feel very happy right now just by typing this, surely this paragraph must have some truth buried within!
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This intro to my journal became a tad bigger than I anticipated, but hey, I shall then end it with this final entry!

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One of the things I was scared of when I was younger was others finding out I liked this and that. I mean, you know, Pokémon games, for instance. Sure, for some reason they are viewed upon as childish, some asking "is that not inappropriate for a 22 year old to play?" The mere thought of others finding out was terrifying. Well, I have changed my way of thinking, and for that I am glad. The truth right now is that I should not really give a damn if some people think it would be inappropriate, I am not exactly pushing a religion onto them, if anything, they would onto me. If I like something, I should not pretend to be someone else just because I am afraid what others would think of me. Yeah, I like Pokémon - I proudly admit that to people when they ask which games I play. The worst outcome I have had is "Pokémon ... Really ...?" and then a second later it is as if they change their minds and they start talking about them liking Pokémon Red and Blue. Others, who I really would never have guessed, would exclaim that they loved Pokémon. Now that is a little shocking. Others feeling the way I used to feel, very much?

I also like cute things. Yeah? Sue me. It feels good to be able to associate myself with Raichu without feeling awkward - It feels good to be proud of who I am, and starting to think like this is a good step toward that and a better self-esteem both. That is what I believe, anyhow ...
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That was a bunch of text, and nobody is seriously going to read through all of it, but if you read through, say one of the paragraphs and want to comment, or if you otherwise just have a question about me, by all means feel free to ask! Thank you for letting me become a part of this awesome message board, things already have started feeling different from the moment I pounced the Register button, no, from the moment I first viewed the forums. Thankies, Flare, for being one of the closest and long-lasting friends, thanks to my other friends who most likely won't be reading this here, and not least, thanks to all of you fellow members and to the administrator of these forums.

Diz out.

(^ I always wanted to say that. Feels so Star Trek-y!)

9th February 2011, 12:09 AM
Nice, lol. You appear to have a singularly lighthearted approach to life. If forced to live with you in close proximity, I would no doubt be incredibly annoyed by you. Yet, as the saying goes, "Strong walls make good neighbors." So, over the quite strong wall of the internet, I greet you in the name of those who are grim, and whose thoughts run dark... Kudos to you on your Pokemon-themed triumph, though.

9th February 2011, 12:44 AM
Don't assume Diz. I actually read every word! :D That truly is a hard thing to deal with Diz... :( I hate thinking about it but I know the same is going to soon happen with my grandparents. My grandfather was just diagnosed with throat cancer and now he doesn't know if he's going to decide to go through surgery and possibly lose his voice or go through radiation treatment everyday for six weeks, my grandmother is having strokes and just broke her hip this past weekend, shes going to be at the hospital and rehab for 6-7 weeks. And I hate that people can't just chill out and enjoy a game with others. They just have to be so competitive and act like jerks! And I say it loud and proud, "I LOVE POKEMON TOO! I STILL PLAY THE GAMES, WATCH THE SHOWS, MOVIES, AND ON OCCASION BUY CARDS!!!!!" Diz I know its tough and its easier said than done, but you just got to hang in there and things will get better. If your ever just wanting someone to chat with just send me message or set up a time in the chatroom, I can get on as long as I'm not in class or working ;)

Dr. Killjoy
9th February 2011, 12:47 AM
Sorry to hear about your grandparents =(

My dad survived the same kind of cancer your grandfather did, actually. 15 years later he's still alive and kicking, and I hope it's the same with your grandfather and I hope he stops taking his anger out on you I need to pay closer attention to what I'm reading.

Your grandmother though...ouch. I've seen stroke victims in nursing homes, but I can't even imagine what it's like to have to go through that with a family member.

On the subject of L4D2...sounds like the problem is with the community, not you. I haven't played the game so I can't say this for sure, but I know first-person shooters tend to have absolutely horrific online communities.

As for Pokemon...that seems to be a stigma against computer games in general. They're a media just like books or movies, but they still seem to be viewed as "for kids". Is it because they're interactive? Is this a bad thing?

9th February 2011, 12:49 AM
Aishawasframed: I think you may be exaggerating a little bit there, I doubt it would be all that bad. In real life, I believe I can be around pretty much anyone, and they say when hanging around with someone over time, you start becoming a little more like them yourself.

Nonetheless, thou shall not worry, my friend. Internet these days has firewalls installed at every corner, so if you are looking for a strong wall, the Internet would be perfect. Nonetheless, thanks for the comment! ^^ *Waves back over the wall and jumps back down to my side*

Edit: Whoa, two posts while I was posting, and I thought I refreshed the page before typing the post!

kokirininja: Exactly, games are there to be enjoyed, not to be made into serious business or angry matters. Spreading negative aura is what I never enjoyed, nor was I fond of others doing it so much. Thank you for your comment, and I shall most definitely make use of that offer!

Dr. Killjoy: I have no idea about Pokémon. It would probably be a case of "children watch Pokémon, it is so childish" instead of actually trying it themselves. Anime is for all ages. In fact, if you enjoy watching a series or playing a game, who is there to stop you from doing what you like anyway, get it? They may call it immature, but I rather call them immature for not having enough insight or often for "going with the flow" regarding that opinion.

I am very sorry to hear about your situation, Killjoy. It indeed does sound similar to my own situation. I hope it all works out for you and that things will be alright soon. You hang in there, yush? Have faith and be there for them. :)

9th February 2011, 09:23 AM
Diz, always take what other people say with a pinch of salt; concerning negative thoughts. There's an old saying.

When someone points a finger and says something negative, there's always three fingers pointing back at them.

I know about your Grandparents and I pray for them every night. You know I'm always here with a shoulder for you. How many years has it been? (Though you've usually been my shoulder to cry on.)
About Pokemon... yeah, I felt the same as you at first. I enjoy playing the games and would even take my DS and try and hide the screen when I was playing it because of others and the fear of others. Though these days, I'm more reluctant to admit I draw Anthro characters because of the whole 'Furry-Fag' tag that goes with it. Well, you know me, I'm not like that :D

Online Gaming Communities really do have negative and childish people. I get similar experiences with these people on Lineage II (But you've seen me and how I react to these childish people, Diz XD). When I get Left4Dead 2, those people had better watch out! I won't let them speak to you like that >> I haven't in the past and I don't plan to start now!

us :D

9th February 2011, 10:52 AM
us :D

Awesome, you are a Pichu as well! I just knew you had to be yellow.

I dunno, four-five years?

Thank you for the very, very sweet post, Flaries! You are pure awesome, and you know it! I am lacking words (it is as if you are playing Lego and all of the pieces just shatter away to different directions), so I will just say where would I have been without the Flaries? *Gives tight hug to Flare*

9th February 2011, 02:38 PM
Another day arises for the Diz, and I have had quite a strange night. I normally sleep without a t-shirt, even during Winter and even if my room is much colder than other parts of the house. This night however seemed much colder. I turned the room's oven on, but it did not help much, so my last resort was to just sleep with all my clothes on, and even then I froze so much that falling asleep was somewhat awkward. By the morning, when I was getting up, it was still quite chilly. Must have been an unusually cold night. So I got up, took a shower and got dressed in new and fresh clothes.

I browsed here today and it seems that not many others are browsing at the moment. Empty chat, as well. I am so ronery~

In just a few days, my real-life best friend is going far up in Norway, to the fantasy world of northern lights and midnight suns, for a week or two. All of a sudden, just moments ago, we threw out an idea about hanging out and drinking before that time, and then we realized that today was the only somewhat-fitting day, so we decided to go for it. This time however, I promise not to climb up the couch (http://www.outlawstar.co.uk/forums/showthread.php?tid=17&pid=2875#pid2875), it already riscs becoming like quicksand from last time (http://www.outlawstar.co.uk/forums/showthread.php?tid=17&pid=2875#pid2875). xD

Oh, and hey. I noticed that there are a couple of other members here interested in and doing courses about computers and networks. That is awesome. We could be our own little IT Crowd (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_IT_Crowd)!

See you tomorrow, fellow members. I hopefully won't have a huge hangover to type in and about at that point - Have a nice day!

11th February 2011, 08:21 PM
Some stuff happened today, and I may not have a day again soon like this (haha, boring raichu life) so here goes.

I was awaken by my grandfather who wanted me down to the nursing home, the TV of my grandmother did not work, and he wanted me to have a look at it, even though me knowing nothing about TVs whatsoever. There were no boxes, even. Just a cable into the wall. The TV did not work properly as no channels were available (all had a lock symbol on them). I insist that there seem to be no problem with the TV itself, but my grandfather also insist I carry the TV out to the car and me drive to Raglamyr for the store to have a look at it.

It worked fine up there, so we decided to drive back to the nursing home and place the TV back. I went through stuff, and without actually changing anything, all of a sudden it started working again.

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That was not the end though. While we were up there with the TV, I bought myself a 4 GB memory card for my phone, seemed to be on sale. Why do that? Well, I had to hand in my phone for repairs at some point, and call me paranoid and nervous, but I decided to format the memory stick before handing it in, erasing files and so on it (doing a back-up, of course). I would not want just anyone to look at my private pictures and stuff, you never know what will happen, I heard some scary stories, you know?

So, after the phone is repaired and I go to pick it up, returning home and just checking something -- Hey, where did my memory stick go? Yeah, that's right ... The 2 GB memory stick that came with the phone when I bought it? I went back up there to claim it back, but they did not seem to find it, they had no idea where it had been. I was angry. They said there was nothing they could do about it whatsoever. Eventually, they gave me a 512 MB card because they apparently did not need it. I never should have left there like that. However, the harsh part has not even started yet ...

Once I got home, I inserted the card into my phone and was going to copy over some of the back-up, because obviously I would not fit much into there now. However, it does not take long before I notice the memory card is stuffed with personal pictures and phone numbers. I mean, jeeze ... I am just so glad I formatted my memory stick, and yes, the data may be recoverable, but at least it is not entirely visible to anyone grabbing their hands on my card. Also, note that this happened some time ago, so I kind of gave up on it. I rather decided to never go there for cellphone shopping ever again.

When I return home after buying the new, fresh memory card, it did not fit, despite them saying it would, so I go back up there to get one that actually fits (older technology). 2 GB was what they had, the same thing I got with my cellphone, and a lot better than 512 MB, so I traded the one I had just bought with the fitting one.

One thing I forgot mentioning was that on my way up to the store to trade the non-fitting memory card, an ambulance with sirens and floods of blue lights seemed stuck, as if being really careful moving downward a steep and really thin path from the road, intended for bicycling and walking. It blocked half the road too, I wondered what that was about. Driving past it and looking out at the local lake, I noticed it was full of ice, and it did not start being freezing temperatures until a day ago, so someone might have actually slipped through the ice or something. 0.0

Right now I am just sitting here dead tired, just as tired anyone would be, trying to read under half of my journal entries, haha! Yush, at least stuff does happen.

Do I type too long entries? Too silly, too uninteresting? Feel free to come with ideas as to how I may improve. After all, this is my first journal. In the meantime, have a fantastic evening and I will see you on the forums and in the chat room!

http://t2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRz3aSOy8BeZ8XHoqTfgsYTX1P_3tM1y 1sOMmLDaL2G5Y6Z600OuA

3rd May 2011, 09:49 PM
It has been a while since I have made an entry. Partially because my blog is boring and thus should have rarer, less boring (if that is possible) entries, but also because nothing much really happens.

As some of you may know, I have never before worked for real, and I am still searching for jobs. I went to school to earn right to the title IT professional (I think I am now?) and thus have applied for local jobs regarding computers, IT networks and maintenance. Right now I am just trying to apply to whatever job I can until I actually do find an IT job, as finding a specific job was not so easy after all, especially not for someone with no experience working with computers in an actual job, or any experience working whatsoever.

I was called in for a job interview at a really nice-looking place not far from here. They needed apprentices within their IT consultant area. I felt a little nervous, but it seemed the interview went really well. He even said he thought I would fit very nicely for the job, and said that what I seemed good at was what they actually really needed. I felt I gave a great impression, and I really, really liked that place. However, I called them today to ask how the process was going, and they said they'd send out letters about it in a few days. If I had gotten the job, I believe they would have called me, so I am not really holding my hopes up for that job ... Time to keep looking!

What else is going on in my life at the moment? So much up and downs, I do not know whether I am feeling good or bad and at which points. I feel so confused, and lately I even just wanted to cry, but I do not know why. I spend too much time inside, so I am planning to go for long walks at least once a day, but for some reason I feel it is not easy to just start such a habit when not having anyone else around that are interested in going outside or walking with you. Other than spending more time outside, I know for sure getting a job will help a lot on the mood. I will start feeling that I actually am doing something in my life and that I can stand more on my own feet and take responsibility. I know this, because the same day as said interview, I kept staying outside doing stuff, feeling like doing lots of chores and felt really happy!

What else before I hit the panic button aka. Post Reply? Well, do you know the phrase “speaking your mind”, or something like that? Well, I just keep feeling as if I am rambling, and I just type, type, type and go on without trying to limit anything and not realizing how much I actually do type. This I need to improve. For now, I am glad that I have a panic button. NEEDS TO HIT PANIC BUTTON IMA WA

Dr. Killjoy
4th May 2011, 06:31 PM
Didn't hear anything about a job interview! I know the feeling of having a tough time finding a job, I'm in the same boat myself. Good to hear your interview went well though, and I hope you're employed soon. Things should get a lot easier once you've got some initial work experience.

4th May 2011, 07:08 PM
The hardest thing is getting that first job, cause they want people with experience. So, if you continue to be rejected, then get a job volunteering - It really boosts your CV

6th May 2011, 01:39 AM
I will be off for at least a few days to gather my thoughts and stuff. A little down at the moment, but when I return, you'll see a happy Raichu! For the better. =D

Take care all until then!

6th May 2011, 11:32 PM
I spend too much time inside, so I am planning to go for long walks at least once a day, but for some reason I feel it is not easy to just start such a habit when not having anyone else around that are interested in going outside or walking with you.

I can totally relate to this. There's only one guy in this area who I'm friends with, and I'm not sure if he'd really be up for going on walks, or biking since I don't even think he has a bicycle. I'd definitely feel more up to doing it if it didn't involve being alone every darn time.

I hope you manage to sort things out.

14th May 2011, 03:35 PM
The Raichu is back in town, baby.

One recent night, sitting and watching some TV, I had a huge and sudden asthmatic reaction toward pollen. I felt I just barely could breathe, so I stressed and could not relax, and I had to focus on each breath due to it being so heavy. Pollen combined with astma can be tough on me in Summers, especially considering I have not been granted working medicine for it so far in my life.

Dr. Killjoy got me into the anime Puella Magi, which is only twelve episodes long, but well-worth my time. So deep and mysterious. It is addicting, and you need to watch more and more and try figuring out what is going on and what will happen. Now that I have watched it all, I am re-watching it, and the second time, boy, feels totally different. In a very nice way.

See you all around!

14th May 2011, 09:04 PM
That sounds pretty bad. I hope you feel better now, though. Ah, anime series with a dash of mystery are always fun. I might check that out. Oh, and be sure to visit the chat room and say hi!

Dr. Killjoy
15th May 2011, 08:48 PM
You didn't take very long to plow through Madoka, I see.

Sorry to hear about the pollen problem though =( I hope you can get that treated soon - did the medications you've gotten not help, or is it just that the meds aren't available?

And you were in your house when it happened too...doesn't sound like there's really much you can do about it, short of wearing a gas mask all the time.

16th May 2011, 12:44 AM
Sorry to hear about the pollen problem though =( I hope you can get that treated soon - did the medications you've gotten not help, or is it just that the meds aren't available?

They may be available, but throughout all my life so far, ever since I was almost a baby, it has never been taken seriously. Doctors have not been able to figure out what it was, and thus no medication has been given. Some doctors have thought it was just mental, and one even laughed about it three years ago, but last year, a doctor instantly said, with no doubt, it's pollen allergies in combination with astma. Two breathing Hells mixed together as one, eugh. A military doctor said something similar, so I may finally be able to have medicine soon. Summers have been a real Hell, and sometimes I have even woken up in mornings, felt I couldn't breathe at all and just fainted.

17th May 2011, 05:28 PM
No wonder I've suffered somewhat lately. Turns out I have the stomach flu. ^^;

I have still not heard anything about that job interview, even though I called them and asked how it went, and they'd say I'd receive a letter "in a couple of days!" A week or two later, and nothing has come ...

Today is the 17th of May. It is the national day of Norway, but due to the stomach flu, I have not gotten to do anything else than sit still, try forcing dinner in me and be near the toilet. Good thing is, I have had this for a little while now, so it is bound to go over soon. Finally I know what caused it all.

18th May 2011, 12:46 PM
Summer is approaching. Despite melting pain, cold sweat and diarrhea, I felt so very happy when I was about to go to bed. Haha, oh joy.

The stomach flu did not let me sleep this night though, and on top of that, my mood was going to take a u-turn. At three in the morning I am made aware that my grandmother is dying and will likely pass away within hours. This impacts me extra because I do not have my biological parents (in fact, I never met them) and have all my life been living with my grandparents. Right now I do not know how I feel. I feel there is so much going on. I just came back home after visiting her with the rest of my uncle's family because I could not manage staying more due to my illness, and now I know neither what to do nor think. I feel like just dropping to the ground unconscious.

25th May 2011, 01:40 AM
For lack of more original words of support: hang in there, Diz!

25th May 2011, 01:44 AM
Thank you, Seth! The funeral was this morning, and I took part in carrying the coffin. It was really, really tough, and I am glad it's over with now. I feel I will be very happy again soon, I just know it. After being down, one must be "up", haha!

So yeah, this is the very core reason why I have not been here these last days. These things are never easy. I just really want my grandfather to be okay.

This is Diz, promising more positive and exciting news in my next blog post! Until then!

Dr. Killjoy
25th May 2011, 03:16 AM
Sorry I didn't get to this sooner, I've been pretty distracted lately...

Sorry to hear about how things have been going the last few days. Hope both you and your grandfather are doing better now.

28th May 2011, 12:35 AM
Sorry to hear about your recent troubles. Despite the difficulties, I hope you have an awesome birthday as I notice it is today.

30th May 2011, 04:01 PM
Thanks for the condolences. Things are going much better now, indeed. I told you my next post would be more positive! ^-^

I hope you have an awesome birthday as I notice it is today.

Well, what can I say? I had to be reminded that my birthday was coming up. My friend and I had a night prior that day with some alcohol and Xbox 360/Wii gaming, and then his sister, who was going to pick him up a little later, came early and joined us. Wii Party sure is fun! I did nothing the day after other than chill out.

I wanted to show Flare me doing a funny attempt on Left 4 Dead on Expert. The idea is to move slowly, stick together and be very careful. I did the exact opposite and ran off like a crazy Sonic the Hedgehog, having the game's system panic at my progress and spawn a lot of challenges at once! It goes without saying that this almost never works at all and certainly never is a good idea, but if you want to see how this turned out, click here (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aA03X9j5eGI).

I found a cracked version of Fraps, a video/screen capture utility that lets you record you playing games on the PC. The thing about the cracked version was that I apparently had to block that program's access to the Internet, for it not getting to validate that it actually was not a proper full version after all, or something like it. Fun. "No, *you* are not allowed to go to the Internet, har har, stay here". I figured making these videos were fun, getting to save the funny and extremely lucky moments of gaming, savouring the laughs and giggles for re-view and sharing them with others! So I pretty much spent the last two days trying to do more of that.

Lol so lucky (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AdV3Cg113D4&feature=related)

Dr. Killjoy
15th June 2011, 02:36 AM
Happy belated birthday! I saw your videos, and while I never played L4D, they were pretty funny. Good to hear you're feeling better, and I hope to see more from you soon.