• A dusty old journal marked 'Hari'
  • A dusty old journal marked 'Hari'

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  1. #21
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    You're not the only proud one! I'm proud of you too! Both for working so hard on your diet as well as that major fight against your anxiety! It's inspiring.
    "I don't know what words I can say
    The wind has a way to talk to me
    Flowers sleep, a silent lullaby
    I pray for reply
    I'm ready"
    -Melfina's Song

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  3. #22
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    Thanks, June! Yeah, the thing about this 'college' is that it's not actually your everyday college. They basically exist to help people with additional needs, so people with autism and that kind of thing, but while I was there it was mostly people with anxiety troubles who can't cope in a normal school enviroment.

    They're all super nice-- even the staff I hadn't met before were all compliments, but my favorite person there was a guy called Stephen. We spent so many lunch breaks talking about Nintendo, Metal Gear, even Outlaw Star if you can believe that! He was a great mentor figure to me. I never integrated into the social group as much as I wanted to, but Stephen was always there for me, so I was glad to say our farewells in a more informal manner. It probably doesn't sound like much to most people, but it sure was a big day for me.

  4. #23
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    As I think you know, I have agoraphobia too and that's a fantastic update. I'm really happy for you, and proud of you too! I hope chocolate Santa will be devoured respectfully. Lindt is brilliant chocolate.
    Gene: "Have faith in me guys, enjoy the ride—you're in good hands. I can handle this. I can do it!"
    Jim: "How do you know?"
    Gene: "I don't!"
    Jim: "I knew it."
    Gene: "That's okay. There's a first time for everything!"

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  6. #24
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    Thanks, Mantis. And it really is! The temptation to eat him all by ourselves was there, I won't lie-- in fact, several boxes of Celebrations were brought, only to end up being eaten, which actually turned out for the best since I would never have gone otherwise. A kilogram of chocolatey Santa isn't something you can just send through the post, gotta deliver it in person.

  7. #25
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    Well, here we are guys. I think it's safe to say this has been an equally terrible year for everyone, but 2017 is almost upon us. I think we all need a strong drink after this year, in my case that would be a bottle of Dr. Pepper! I haven't tried this stuff in years, but I can definately see that changing. This stuff is GOOD, Mantis (and Okarin) had the right idea all along. I don't have much to update on, it was a quiet Christmas this year, with it just being my mother and I. Regardless, she always goes out of her way to get me some awesome presents, which I often feel guilty about, but this year and onwards I've decided to spoil her just as much.



    I got a NES Mini, on which I've been playing Adventure of Link non-stop, the awesome A Link to the Past comic, a cute little knight pencil sharpener, and the new Outlaw Star Blu-ray. I also got a bunch of M&M's and cider, which were delicious. My mom's pretty awesome if you didn't know. In return I got her a Bailey's gift basket, a pair of slippers, a scarf, a mug, a box of fudge, and a bar of chocolate caramel which she loves.

    Not much else to say, but I've had some more personal thoughts and introspections I've tried to jot down as cohesively as possible. This is more for myself than anyone else, but feel free to read on if you wish.

    1. Personal feelings on introversion

    I often feel the need to be alone, in a way that many people (particularly social/outgoing people) may not understand. It's not that I dislike people, or social interraction in general. Maybe that's not 100% true. In the same way that life isn't all sunshine and roses, there are many kinds of people that I dislike and would rather not have to share a planet with, but the same could be said by anyone. Despite being a loner at heart, there are several people that I would consider dear to me, including my mother, friends that I have met over the internet (including OSN), my uncle, and the odd family friend here and there. That said, and despite my love for these people, I don't enjoy being engaged with them for more than a few hours at the most. Honestly, I find it downright draining at times. Does that make me anti-social? I don't think so, as I said I do feel love for these people, but my desire to be by myself, inside my own little world with my own thoughts, is simply something I need to remain a healthy, functioning individual. I enjoy conversation, and time spent socializing, but eventually I'll reach a point where those 'social batteries' begin to run dry, and I'll need time by myself to recharge. It's kind of like reshuffling a deck after a game of cards-- I need time to think everything over, and put things back into perspective.

    There are problems with this, however. Mainly, how other people may percieve these actions... in a relationship, for instance. A romantic relationship is something that requires a great deal of responsibility and attention on both sides, so what happens when you have someone who needs as few as a couple of hours, or as many as a few days to be on their own? From my time reading message boards on this topic, the majority of individuals would take this as an offense. 'Well, if he likes being on his own so much, then he can stay that way!', that kind of attitude, which is understandable, but frustrating for a person like me. Maybe that's just the way it is, maybe I'll never be truly 'close' to someone, because at the end of the day I am my own best friend, and as long as I'm comfortable with myself, that's all really that really matters.



    1.2. Who am I, again?

    Something I can say for myself, and other select individuals I have known in my life, is the importance of having a vessel for expressing one's own identity-- a persona that isn't quite you, but an idealized version of yourself. Some people might find it unusual for a person to 'look up' to a fictional character, to aspire to be like someone who doesn't exist, and I can understand why. But in reality, 'real' people are imperfect and make mistakes, completely selfless individuals like Goku or Link do not exist in our world, but that doesn't mean we can't aspire to be like them. I would say Usagi and Korra are much more desirable role models for young people than say, people like Miley Cyrus and Justin Bieber, both of whom (for having such a strong influence over young people), have had extremely questionable behavior in recent years.

    That isn't to say we should all aspire to be perfect, we will always be flawed in one way or another, but it can be helpful to have certain fictional characters that we can relate to and invest ourselves into, especially if you are someone who has an unstable sense of identity to begin with. This past year has perhaps been one of the most difficult of my life, having been diagnosed with chronic depression, but having a character like Venom Snake from MGSV: The Phantom Pain (who does his best to make the best of a terrible situation and do 'the right thing', despite the excrutiating burden he has to carry) has been extremely helpful to me, in a way I'm not really sure how to describe. You guys probably already know how much Snake means to me, but his depiction in The Phantom Pain resonated with me in such a way that it's almost therapeutic. Over a year on since MGSV's release, I still listen to this piece of dialogue regularly.

    "We have no tomorrow; but there is still hope for the future."



    The man knows his days are numbered-- you can hear the pain in his voice. But while he is still here and breathing, he will continue to do his bit to leave the world in a better state than it was yesterday, a message that Kojima often preaches in his games. Venom Snake lives out the life of a legendary mecenary figure, an often mentally exhausting hell where he ends up being forced to commit psyche-damaging acts for the 'greater good', and seeing himself as a demon as a result. Anyone who has played the original Metal Gear games on the MSX already knows how Venom's tale ends, the sad fact is that he will die being seen a villain despite what little good he tried to do for the world, a pawn in another man's chess game. That aside, the internal strength that he displays throughout TTP is something that I think anyone struggling with mental illness can relate to. Facing your demons straight in the eyes, enduring the pain and marching onwards; never giving up the good fight-- no matter how bleak things seem.

    On that note, there is an artist I follow on Tumblr who draws what I'll call 'Motivational Venom's', which always brighten my day. It's nice to know that others have had a similar emotional response to this unfortunately under-appreciated character, but at the same time that makes it more personal. Many people misunderstood what TPP was trying to say with it's plot, and while I agree with much of the criticism, this may well be the most affected I have been by a single character.



    Back to the point at hand, I believe it is important to have fictional characters that we can see ourselves in and strive to be like in our own way, whether that is one character in particular, or a mixture of several different ones. After all, people are complicated beings and can't be summarized in the same way a fictional character can, so instead they may reflect fragments within ourselves. In that way, we are made up of ideas. I wonder if that's one of the things that drew us to Outlaw Star in the first place. We were, after all, once children with stars in our eyes.



    Well, I've hit a bit of a brick wall with what to write next, but those are some of the thoughts I've had rattling around inside my head. Until next time.

  8. #26
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    Today was a pretty cool day, you guys. Starting with a late night Worms game against Mantis, which involved far too much alcohol consumption on my part, I would have been alright with that alone. Honestly, I was kind of dreading today. My last birthday was something of a disaster. A miserable, stressful day which was ultimately spent in bed. Not this time, though. I woke up to a wonderful birthday cake that was baked by one of my mother's friends (which I posted in the photo thread), and we went to Pizza Hut with my uncle and grandad, which was a lovely time all around. I got some brilliant presents, too! Check it out:

    A dusty old journal marked 'Hari'-img_2175-jpg

    A miniature Henry which... doesn't work all that well, but is adorable nonetheless; a Terry's chicolate orange, a bottle of my favourite cocktail drink, a barrel cup the size of a plant pot, and best of all, a Tonberry plushie. I had one very similar to this when I was younger, but he ended up going missing, so I'll be sure to take EXTRA good care of this one.

    Man, what a great day today has been. Now if you'll excuse me, I need a nap after all that food and drink...

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  10. #27
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    Those are nifty gifts! I haven't seen one of those oranges in ages! And that cup feels so western outlaw!
    "I don't know what words I can say
    The wind has a way to talk to me
    Flowers sleep, a silent lullaby
    I pray for reply
    I'm ready"
    -Melfina's Song

  11. #28
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    As I said in the photos thread, sorry I seem to have missed sending a proper birthday message.

    Why don't you add more games to your Steam wishlist?! (It's there for a reason!)

    A dusty old journal marked 'Hari'-misc-jackie-chan-jpg

    At any rate, I've sent you something I figured you'd probably enjoy. I wish you a very belated Happy Birthday. (However that works. For next year? Screw it, I just hope you have an awesome day today, then!)
    Gene: "Have faith in me guys, enjoy the ride—you're in good hands. I can handle this. I can do it!"
    Jim: "How do you know?"
    Gene: "I don't!"
    Jim: "I knew it."
    Gene: "That's okay. There's a first time for everything!"

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  13. #29
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    Hahah, no worries man. I don't expect people to remember, there are too many days in the year for that! Thanks for the gift, I've heard good things about these games so I look forward to giving it a try.

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  15. #30
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    You having that blu-ray fills me with hope for the future!
    "Believe in yourself and create your own destiny. Don't fear fate." - Narrator
    avatar by: beautifulhangoverx


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    This was a good idea Mantis.

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