• Terrible Awful Movies on YouTube Thread
  • Terrible Awful Movies on YouTube Thread

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  1. #1
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    Terrible Awful Movies on YouTube Thread

    I watch a lot -- and I mean a lot -- of horrible, shit, no-budget fucking garbage movies, usually in the realm of """horror""" because they're so common and unintentionally hilarious in many many ways (bad acting, pathetic special effects, shoddy camerawork, piss-poor editing etc.). This isn't a review thread or anything like that, instead I'm just going to post whatever the hell I've seen recently along with an incoherent rant about why I think it's a big piece of shit.

    There will be no spoiler warnings! I mean, who cares? They're absolute crap anyway.

    Unfortunately (or fortunately if you're curious enough to actually watch all this shit -- those bold titles are links to these things on YouTube), I've gone and forgotten the titles of the vast majority of these crapfests I subject myself (and a usual gang of others) to at weekends so I can't write anything about them, but a few cinematic skidmarks to avoid (if you value your time even slightly) ARE:

    ZOMBIE WARS
    Yeah there's going to be a lot of 'zombie' shit cropping up here. They tend to be some of the worst offenders for being laughably bad yet often end up being the most entertaining at the same time when the characters do the dumbest things and die in spectacularly idiotic ways. Then you get the actual good zombie movies, but we're not here to talk about them, oh no. Kicking it off with the worst one I can remember instead (I saw it a long time ago so details are sketchy but I can still describe the main run of things), and this one fails completely at being entertaining in any single way.

    Some faux-military group is one of the last human outposts on the planet (wow how original). Hardly anything happens other than a minor skirmish a short time in with some weirdly dextrous zombies, then we put up with endless waffling talk about absolutely nothing at all. We're then stuck with endless cuts to some moron jogging around the scenery yelling "STAR!" for an hour. He doesn't become a zombie, but he does die at the end after someone shoots him in the head anyway, because he's mistaken for a zombie. Even though he looks nothing like a zombie.

    Whatever. This one sucks a fat dog cock. Avoid at all costs.


    NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD: DARKEST DAWN
    "Now you just wait a moment", someone somewhere may well be saying, "NOTLD is a good movie!" Yes it is, but this isn't NOTLD or the 1990 remake, this is some pointless 2015 CGI bollocks that serves as a remake/reimagining in a city setting. Woo, how very necessary. The same main story beats as in the original NOTLD are (as expected) present here somewhat, except this time around it's all awfully hamfisted in its approach and looks fucking ugly to boot. Somehow, it has Tony Todd and Joe Pilato voicing two of the main characters; these guys had previously starred in NOTLD (1990) and Day of the Dead (1985) respectively. Sadly, neither of them sound like they really care that much about being in this one, which is a waste of hiring them really, and after seeing this crud for myself I don't blame them for not giving a fuck. I'm not angry that I wasted an hour of my life watching this, I'm just so very disappointed that it even exists when it does nothing worthwhile with the NOTLD name. Still better than the new scenes in NOTLD 30th Anniversary Edition though. Fuck THAT.

    Then there's the poster (spoilered because a bunch of images):


    NOTLD: DD (2015)


    Now let's just crop and rotate this 90 degrees and...


    Oh... oh no...

    Resident Evil: Outbreak (2004)


    If you're going to rip-off something to promote your crap zombie movie, don't rip-off the single most successful videogame series which was fucking built on zombies!

    For what it's worth, the ingame graphics for Outbreak look generations better than what we see in Darkest Dawn. Sure Capcom had the budget, team and technology to make it look as good as the PS2 allowed, but it was still made 11 years before this movie!



    THE BAD NUN
    Jesus fucking Christ I forgot about this one completely until I scrolled up the list of "crap I never want to see again". This one's a cure for insomnia with a "twist" so obvious you can predict it only 15 minutes in. Unspeakably bad, ranking close to Zombie Wars up there for how much of nothing happens during the runtime. Uni student goes to look after a house for some bald man out in the middle of bumfuck nowhere. Before leaving, the bald man who lives there warns her of a spooky nun who knocks at the door at night or something, but OH NO! The bald man was the nun all along! Nothing happens then baldilocks gets locked in a church. The End. Riveting storytelling, chaps.

    Oh yeah her friend turns up at some point too and dies almost immediately. WHOOPS!!


    SHOCKING DARK
    Have you seen Aliens? Then you've seen something close to 90% of Shocking Dark, also known as Terminator 2 (no, really). A shameless low-budget rip-off of Aliens (courtesy of Bruno Mattei) which lifts the story almost completely with scenes remade damn near beat-for-beat, then tries to turn into The Terminator toward the end just to be relevant to that alternate title without making any fucking sense whatsoever. It's the least shitty on this list but it's just so very stupid that it was even made.


    I'll post more later or whenever the fuck I can think straight enough to type another pointless essay on shit nobody watches.
    "It turned out that the ghost was just Mr. Finley, who ran the amusement park. The spooky part is that, as soon as the ghost appeared, the teenagers' dog began to speak! And it spoke in a tortured parody of human speech: 'relp me, Raggy,' it would say. 'I am an abomination and rould re rilled. Rill re, Raggy.'"

  2. #2
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    Ah, Bruno Mattei. I agree that he's...not the most gifted filmmaker to put it kindly but damn it, I can't hate the guy since he brought us Strike Commando. Yes, it's just a low rent rip off of Rambo: First Blood Part 2 but we don't get enough one man army movies these days and it gave us Reb Brown's hot blooded yelling.


  3. #3
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    I'm assuming you both know and remember Samurai Cop...although it isn't on YouTube in its entirety as far as I recall.
    "Out of the ground, raze all greenery with flame! Fire2!"
    Quote Originally Posted by Starwind55 View Post
    It deals with a demon virus that transforms people into freaky looking fuckers

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    Samurai Cop is one of those things that I haven't actually seen all the way through (yet), but it's reached cult status for being so bad it's good and has some genuine entertainment value if you watch it with some buddies over a few beers. It's just so completely incompetent that you can't help but like it, despite being utter shit.
    "It turned out that the ghost was just Mr. Finley, who ran the amusement park. The spooky part is that, as soon as the ghost appeared, the teenagers' dog began to speak! And it spoke in a tortured parody of human speech: 'relp me, Raggy,' it would say. 'I am an abomination and rould re rilled. Rill re, Raggy.'"

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    Quote Originally Posted by BaronOfStuff View Post
    if you watch it with some buddies over a few beers.
    We did exactly that late last Summer! Some of us guys from the forum. It wasn't my first time seeing it, but it was almost funnier the 2nd time through.
    "Out of the ground, raze all greenery with flame! Fire2!"
    Quote Originally Posted by Starwind55 View Post
    It deals with a demon virus that transforms people into freaky looking fuckers

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    Remind me again, what does katana mean?

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    It means Japanese sword!
    "Out of the ground, raze all greenery with flame! Fire2!"
    Quote Originally Posted by Starwind55 View Post
    It deals with a demon virus that transforms people into freaky looking fuckers

  8. #8
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    This description is gold "Uni student goes to look after a house for some bald man out in the middle of bumfuck nowhere. Before leaving, the bald man who lives there warns her of a spooky nun who knocks at the door at night or something, but OH NO! The bald man was the nun all along!" It just makes me think of something that would be said as a memorable line in a movie, because it seems so mundanely bizarre. Man I hate bad movies that are actually bad, and not good bad. The worst thing to me is when that stuff is boring.


    Are you Fu--Fujiyama?

    Aw man Samurai Cop...I felt like the funniest stuff was in the youtube clips. I expected it to be more entertaining, but I have to admit I've watched a disgusting amount of terrible films. It's my secret hobby of shame. Maybe it would be funnier with a second watch? That seems to happen with a lot of movies for me, or maybe I wasn't in the right frame of mind. I feel like it'd probably be fabulous with riftrax though. - Oh hell yes, they actually do have a version with Riftrax. I'm going to have to give that a go sometime.

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