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Thread: A Short story

  1. #1
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    A Short story

    ....(grabs a syring with a bear paw on it and under the paw it says grizzly adrenalin) BEAROIDS!!!!!!!!! =D hunter stabs the computer screen, his smile quickly turned into a ''wtf'' face, the computer shot out bolts of electricty and made a grinding noise, hunter still holding the computer recieved a hard smach across the face from a matalic hand) Owe!! asshole!!!!! (hunter droped the computer and took a step back, as he watched the computer. staring it down with his wild interagating eyes. there was a blinding flash and in a blur Hunter was thrown against the wall leaving the wall with a crack and Hunter with cracked ribs. He growled in pain as he looked at his advisary he noticed it had sprowted arms and legs. Hunter in all his days has never seen such strength, even from the mighty Casey the texan. as instinct told him to fight back, he hesatated. not knowing where to go hunter managed to get to his feet. stepping as quietly as he could. with every step filled with angonizing pain..with every step in agonizing pain, hes heart beat grew faster and faster. He has been noted to not using his reasoning but only acting on impulse. The computer knew this..and tracked him through the building. Hunter heard the stomps of a metalic beast, hes adrenaline kicked in. ingoring all pain he started to run into his room. The stomping stoped, Hunter took this moment to get his combat gear on, being a avid gun collector and hunter, hunter could stand with the best of shots. and his hand to hand combat was admorable also. Lisening one last time. he creaked open the door looking for his opponent, he was greeted with a barrel to his forhead. with a smurk on the computer screen, a gunshot was heard..the computer analzyed the area signs of the boy. at the last secound hunter got as low to the ground as possible, he saw his chance and tackled the computer with all of his might. the computer crashed to the ground with hunter on top of it, the boy brutaly beating the machine. as if he was a commanche warroir. the screen turned to static, He surely new the beast had been defeated, hunter stood triumphently. but his victory was short lived. the machine rebooted and cracked hunter's arm at the elbow and squezing his wrist. hunter screamed and punched with his other fist and struggling to get free. the computer monster reached for hunters knife. Hunter pushed back with his one good arm but it was not enough, the machine attemped to stab hunters brain, jumping backwards just intime, his left eye was the only loss. Being set free he reached for his pistol and emptied the weapon on the monster. 9mm rounds had no effect. In anger he threw the pistol at his rivals head. all out of ideas..hunter thought it would be adequate to go down swinging. accepting his challenge the beast rose to its feet. it swung at hunter again and again hiting him in the stomach and chest. Hunter returned fire with a hard left hook and kick to the monsters neck. With speed faster than any human the monster grabed his leg breaking the ankle. finding it defecult to stand, brutally beatin, and running out of options. he passed out... in hes dreams he saw all his freinds cheering him on..losing was not a option.. with the eyes of a tiger. he grew 10 times stronger than any man. surronded by a red aura. he grabed the beast and riping it in to as grease and eltricicty flew everywhere.. victory assured, he stood triumphantly.again...

    TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK!!
    ''All our dreams can come true, if we have the courage to pursue them.''



  2. #2
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    RE: A Short story

    *blinks*

    I admire your enthusiasm, but what does this have to do with Outlaw Star? =D
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    (01:15:46) Somasol: anyway, g'night!
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    (16:24:07) Somasol: LOL.

  3. #3
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    RE: A Short story

    lol oh this was some random story i made up, i put it in the wrong forum thing ( i dont know what its called) BUT HEY! HOWD YOU LIKE IT!!!??? DONT SUGAR COAT IT!!!!!! i might do some about outlaw star!!!! i cant really do the characters personalitys very good, it comes out sounding stupid.
    ''All our dreams can come true, if we have the courage to pursue them.''



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    RE: A Short story

    Somasol, this forum is for both Outlaw Star and other works. Anything submitted here needn't have anything to do with the series. Machete, your story's not bad but I'd recommend a couple of things...

    • Run it though the spell checker on Microsoft Word, OpenOffice or Google Docs
    • Use paragraphing as it's difficult to read when the story's a big wall
    • Try to go easy on caps lock, and if you must empathise something, use italics instead
    • Some sentences you capitalise the first letter, some you don't; try to be consistent and do it for every sentence
    • Don't use an abundance of exclamation marks or full stops (periods, also called ellipses in groups of three which have limited uses), as most of the time just one will do

    Just some constructive criticism from somebody who hasn't done creative writing in about seven or eight years. However, follow these rules and I'm sure the quality will improve. Keep it up bro. Practice makes perfect.
    Gene: "Have faith in me guys, enjoy the ride—you're in good hands. I can handle this. I can do it!"
    Jim: "How do you know?"
    Gene: "I don't!"
    Jim: "I knew it."
    Gene: "That's okay. There's a first time for everything!"

    Anime and Steam info

    Anime-Planet.com - anime | manga | reviews



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    RE: A Short story

    Oops! my apologies then, Mantis. XD

    I agree with most of Mantis's critiques, too. I would also refrain from using excessive parentheses. Use them sparingly to provide supplemental bits of info, as to not detract from the sentence.
    The hilarity of the Chat Room:
    (01:14:54) Somasol: also, don't forget to hit the logout button. sometimes you'll see people in chat but they'll disappear the instant you enter.
    (01:15:32) Somasol: you'll be going "FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU?UUUUUUUUU" when that happens. XD
    (01:15:46) Somasol: anyway, g'night!
    (01:15:47) ChatBot: Somasol logs out of the Chat.
    (02:20:39) ChatBot: MajinCooler27 logs into the Chat.
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    (07:30:03) ChatBot: MajinCooler27 logs into the Chat.
    (16:23:48 ) ChatBot: Somasol logs into the Chat.
    (16:24:07) Somasol: LOL.

  6. #6
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    RE: A Short story

    Alrighty il see what i can do! thanks, I wrote a chapter of a fanfic thing the first part I tried to do what you asked and the secound I just kinda winged it lol
    ''All our dreams can come true, if we have the courage to pursue them.''



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    Quote Originally Posted by TheMachetejoe View Post
    ....(grabs a syring with a bear paw on it and under the paw it says grizzly adrenalin) BEAROIDS!!!!!!!!! =D hunter stabs the computer screen, his smile quickly turned into a ''wtf'' face, the computer shot out bolts of electricty and made a grinding noise, hunter still holding the computer recieved a hard smach across the face from a matalic hand) Owe!! asshole!!!!! (hunter droped the computer and took a step back, as he watched the computer. staring it down with his wild interagating eyes. there was a blinding flash and in a blur Hunter was thrown against the wall leaving the wall with a crack and Hunter with cracked ribs. He growled in pain as he looked at his advisary he noticed it had sprowted arms and legs. Hunter in all his days has never seen such strength, even from the mighty Casey the texan. as instinct told him to fight back, he hesatated. not knowing where to go hunter managed to get to his feet. stepping as quietly as he could. with every step filled with angonizing pain..with every step in agonizing pain, hes heart beat grew faster and faster. He has been noted to not using his reasoning but only acting on impulse. The computer knew this..and tracked him through the building. Hunter heard the stomps of a metalic beast, hes adrenaline kicked in. ingoring all pain he started to run into his room. The stomping stoped, Hunter took this moment to get his combat gear on, being a avid gun collector and hunter, hunter could stand with the best of shots. and his hand to hand combat was admorable also. Lisening one last time. he creaked open the door looking for his opponent, he was greeted with a barrel to his forhead. with a smurk on the computer screen, a gunshot was heard..the computer analzyed the area signs of the boy. at the last secound hunter got as low to the ground as possible, he saw his chance and tackled the computer with all of his might. the computer crashed to the ground with hunter on top of it, the boy brutaly beating the machine. as if he was a commanche warroir. the screen turned to static, He surely new the beast had been defeated, hunter stood triumphently. but his victory was short lived. the machine rebooted and cracked hunter's arm at the elbow and squezing his wrist. hunter screamed and punched with his other fist and struggling to get free. the computer monster reached for hunters knife. Hunter pushed back with his one good arm but it was not enough, the machine attemped to stab hunters brain, jumping backwards just intime, his left eye was the only loss. Being set free he reached for his pistol and emptied the weapon on the monster. 9mm rounds had no effect. In anger he threw the pistol at his rivals head. all out of ideas..hunter thought it would be adequate to go down swinging. accepting his challenge the beast rose to its feet. it swung at hunter again and again hiting him in the stomach and chest. Hunter returned fire with a hard left hook and kick to the monsters neck. With speed faster than any human the monster grabed his leg breaking the ankle. finding it defecult to stand, brutally beatin, and running out of options. he passed out... in hes dreams he saw all his freinds cheering him on..losing was not a option.. with the eyes of a tiger. he grew 10 times stronger than any man. surronded by a red aura. he grabed the beast and riping it in to as grease and eltricicty flew everywhere.. victory assured, he stood triumphantly.again...

    TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK!!
    It has very good momentum. I like how you keep the story line moving and your description is very vivid. The only constructive criticism I have is that it was not proofread for spelling and grammar. I think I would of also broken it up into sections rather than one long paragraph because each action runs into each other.

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